Staff retreats.
Who ever came up with that misnomer? One would think a retreat would be better than a treat. I am sad to say this is not so. In the 4 or 5 retreats I’ve attended in my stay here thus far, none have ever come close to the refreshing experience of an ice cold Dr. Pepper. And I consider that a pretty nice treat.
We take two overnight retreats a year, and 2 all day staff retreats are wedged in between there somewhere. There are no two ways about it. We work. The staff pry the tops off their heads and ideas fly about in a frenzy. My job is to collect the thoughts that run rampant and put them down in type on the laptop. Butterfly nets don’t catch squat in this situation. Flypaper won’t hold syllables, either.
I used to take the easel and markers, but found I could not write fast enough, or if I did, I couldn’t read it later when sanity returned back at the office. The next trip we took the lap top and for some unknown reason, we hooked it up to a projector so all of my misspellings could be clearly seen by all. Talk about pressure. I realized in that first laptop experience that I needed to be true to myself. There just is no other way to be and the fact of the matter is I have )in some other life) always wanted to be the court reporter on Perry Mason. I mean, she managed to collect all the statements, right? So, the first lap top experience, I put on my court reporter hat and went to it. I soon realized how ridiculous that dream was and I quickly sought out a workable solution. I decided to close my eyes, and just type what I heard and clean it up later. So, that’s what I did.
My dictation system worked out pretty well, but only because the staff loves me. Only because the staff is extremely tolerant of the fact that I am only disguised as a church secretary, that removing the secretary cloak reveals the hard cruel facts. I am just Melanie. Melanie who likes to ring the lunch and dinner bell because it looks like the church bell in the Hunchback of Notre dame.
I discovered that I could type faster with my eyes closed, but I also discovered that I lost my filter when I typed that way. This became abundantly clear on our last retreat. We had been watching the creative exchange bouncing off off the walls for hours. I was cramped and achy, my fingers were getting tired of doing the walking and my mind began to wander. I was thinking how nice it would be to have a stretch break. I was daydreaming about it and suddenly, my bubble popped with the voice of my boss. “ What is a stretch break?” he asked. I heard laughter from around me and I opened my eyes. There, before me on the projected screen was this truthful but embarrassing question.
We might need to consider taking a stretch break soon. THIS JUST IN!! WE WILL BE LEAVING FOR DINNER AT 5:30 ON THIS VERY DAY!! XXXX1 MINUTES FROM NOW.
Let me just say that if you increase your font to say, 72 on the computer, which I totally do NOT recall doing, then it appears in like, font size 674 on the screen.
The rest of this story?
Well, we had a break and went to dinner. And I didn’t lose my job. Yet. Again.
Showing posts with label staff retreat. Show all posts
Showing posts with label staff retreat. Show all posts
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Retreat Conversation
We’ve been on several staff retreats since I started this job, and you won’t find much here about the details of those trips mostly because I’m still getting over it/them...... , the difference between the concept and the reality.
I don't know if I ever told the tale of the first trip where I swam, did I?
In my mind, a staff retreat is this: We go to a place not like church. A pewless, altarless, whiteboardless place that is snuggled into the quiet of a faraway calm setting. The aura is cool mint, fresh air and clear skies- they fill our vison... fill up our senses... like a something in the something... ( See John Denver) ah. ahhh. We unwind, rest. We reconnect and strengthen the bonds we braid ourselves into during busy weeks. We think and meditate and consider all that life has to offer. We opt for massages, or manicures, or yoga. Yes. Retreat. 24 hours pass, every stress has dived away from our stressed selves, we are renewed. That's in my mind.
In reality, we pry ourselves away from the mountain of important to-do's that keep multiplying on our desks. We manipulate our schedules, to find a date we can all agree on. We beg the sick people to get well, we plead with those in ICU to hang on 2 more days. We encourage moms -to- be that later is better- to be born in this world, then we pile into our church van, and we hold on for dear life while our leader, our chief, drives us into the sunset.
Suddenly, we arrive at a location that doesn't quite jibe with the one described above and we tumble out. We are shepharded into a meeting room and our retreat begins. We discuss our plans for the coming season, check on each other’s other lives ( outside the walls of the church), and we share and grow build and bond. We dine, and we maybe even rest somewhere in there. We create and determine, we consider and formulate the future. Then we come back to work refreshed and ready to dive into the plans we’ve made.
We go together. We stay together. We work together. We talk together and over eachother. We eat together. We sleep together. We wake together. We brush our teeth together. We whine together. We brainstorm together. We scrapple ideas together….. We unwind at the end of the night by playing games or watching a movie or going out to eat except I’m usually so tired from writing all this down and holding it in my head, that I just want to be a statue out on the yard with the other concrete God-like creatures that stand guard on the grounds of the place we have come to this time.
We use whatever energy we had stored up for the trip ten times over and we create work for ourselves that we didn’t have time to do at work because we are too busy working at work. (Amazingly enough nobody quits when we get back to work after all that.)
The entertainment factor is slim, but I like to collect tidbits when I can and so I present those on a platter for you below....
Here’s the language that runs around the room during our retreatfest... " You just", " I mean," " Here’s how it goes", "My thinking is," " I bet we can fix it", "What I’m saying though, is ", "Those were things in my head.", " So, then", " No, you just", " How will that effect", " I would feel safe", " Could", " So, ", "However", "The more we do that, though,", " On the other hand", " Sure, but", " I guess I’m a weenie", " But what if", "On the other side ", "Why can’t we just", " That’s not what I’m saying", " Huh?", " So, then when can we do that?" "What?" " I’m hungry", " Who said that",
"When did that happen", " But I just think" " Um, yeah", " When do we get that going?" "Who takes that?" " Isn’t it time for lunch" " Who ate the last red skittle?"
Somewhere a bell rings, sometimes I get to ring it, and our retreat time ends. We ride back to church/work and wonder for days later about what we talked about and decided on. Hey, what can you say?
I don't know if I ever told the tale of the first trip where I swam, did I?
In my mind, a staff retreat is this: We go to a place not like church. A pewless, altarless, whiteboardless place that is snuggled into the quiet of a faraway calm setting. The aura is cool mint, fresh air and clear skies- they fill our vison... fill up our senses... like a something in the something... ( See John Denver) ah. ahhh. We unwind, rest. We reconnect and strengthen the bonds we braid ourselves into during busy weeks. We think and meditate and consider all that life has to offer. We opt for massages, or manicures, or yoga. Yes. Retreat. 24 hours pass, every stress has dived away from our stressed selves, we are renewed. That's in my mind.
In reality, we pry ourselves away from the mountain of important to-do's that keep multiplying on our desks. We manipulate our schedules, to find a date we can all agree on. We beg the sick people to get well, we plead with those in ICU to hang on 2 more days. We encourage moms -to- be that later is better- to be born in this world, then we pile into our church van, and we hold on for dear life while our leader, our chief, drives us into the sunset.
Suddenly, we arrive at a location that doesn't quite jibe with the one described above and we tumble out. We are shepharded into a meeting room and our retreat begins. We discuss our plans for the coming season, check on each other’s other lives ( outside the walls of the church), and we share and grow build and bond. We dine, and we maybe even rest somewhere in there. We create and determine, we consider and formulate the future. Then we come back to work refreshed and ready to dive into the plans we’ve made.
We go together. We stay together. We work together. We talk together and over eachother. We eat together. We sleep together. We wake together. We brush our teeth together. We whine together. We brainstorm together. We scrapple ideas together….. We unwind at the end of the night by playing games or watching a movie or going out to eat except I’m usually so tired from writing all this down and holding it in my head, that I just want to be a statue out on the yard with the other concrete God-like creatures that stand guard on the grounds of the place we have come to this time.
We use whatever energy we had stored up for the trip ten times over and we create work for ourselves that we didn’t have time to do at work because we are too busy working at work. (Amazingly enough nobody quits when we get back to work after all that.)
The entertainment factor is slim, but I like to collect tidbits when I can and so I present those on a platter for you below....
Here’s the language that runs around the room during our retreatfest... " You just", " I mean," " Here’s how it goes", "My thinking is," " I bet we can fix it", "What I’m saying though, is ", "Those were things in my head.", " So, then", " No, you just", " How will that effect", " I would feel safe", " Could", " So, ", "However", "The more we do that, though,", " On the other hand", " Sure, but", " I guess I’m a weenie", " But what if", "On the other side ", "Why can’t we just", " That’s not what I’m saying", " Huh?", " So, then when can we do that?" "What?" " I’m hungry", " Who said that",
"When did that happen", " But I just think" " Um, yeah", " When do we get that going?" "Who takes that?" " Isn’t it time for lunch" " Who ate the last red skittle?"
Somewhere a bell rings, sometimes I get to ring it, and our retreat time ends. We ride back to church/work and wonder for days later about what we talked about and decided on. Hey, what can you say?
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