Arrival

 I arrived to open arms, smiles, and lots of happy hugs. Respite care came in a package of delightful little ones who acted like this was exactly where they expected me to be. My daughter and son gave me their room and had brought a few pictures they had confiscated over Christmas that I had not even missed in my frantic packing- until I saw them hanging on the wall.  I felt the love and I felt wanted. 

I was so thankful, but I would not realize the many small and major shifts  I had caused in my own person for a good year. I needed time to forgive myself, too, for not being able to adjust as easily as I thought I could. Being with the girls and son-in-law was easy. So easy and right. Once my feet felt the ground, the every dayness gave me challenges I hadn't really thought about. I left a life of living alone, and stepped back in time to my most favored era, except now, I was 30 years older, so the pace knocked me flat a lot. Figuring out how people schedule, eat, and how to find my way around,.. You know, the myriad of things you have to learn when you land on another planet and in another time. Even in the midst of certainty that this was what I needed to do,  I still wondered who stole the path? 

The positives were as healing and reliable as the tides. I got lost a few times while trying to figure out new walking routes, which made me feel low, but often the grandgirls would be waiting for me to return, and it eased the anxiety. One morning I heard a distant, "Minny!" as I was heading back, and there were two little girls waiting for me on the front porch in their pjs. Sometimes, I'd sing part of a song when I got close and  I could hear their voices from their bedroom window singing along. These offerings of acceptance and interest made me feel so much more at ease. 

The grown-ups in the house had no expectations of me. I think it took a while for them to believe I had actually made the move. As hard as I tried to force some kind of expectations from both daughters and son, they just didn't have any other than they were glad we were able to be together. I wore myself out trying to pitch in cleaning, figuring out how to follow their system of laundry, doing dishes, whatever I could guess to try, but these attempts were always taken as unexpected surprises. Well, with the exception of one habit I had brought with me. 

Raising 4 children, working and trying to manage life during those early years, I developed a habit that did not drop off after the chicks had flown the coop. Before I had children, I was a real planner. I kept multiple to-do lists. I found great power in checking things off of my list. When I had my first daughter, I realized this old way was not possible and over time, my lists dwindled in number and length. By child #4, I had one list and it had things on it like- get up or brush teeth. get dressed. I mean, the desperation for that sense of accomplishment was vicious! 

Similar situation with household tasks. There may be piles of laundry to do, and beds unmade, but by golly, I was going to go to bed with a clean kitchen and no dishes left out. So I started picking up the random plate or glass when I spotted them left behind. As the girls grew older, the left behinds often had a good reason to be there, but still, like a robot with power on, I'd walk by a table and pick up a glass, and put it in the dishwasher. Then, later, "Mom, where is my water glass?" It became a joke among the girls and the habit remains alive and well, and was one of many quirks that followed me here. 

I recall hearing my son-in-law, asking to anyone within hearing distance, "Where's my cup?" "Anybody see my glass?" "Where's the leftover half taco? I wasn't done with it." Depending on who was home, the answer would come- "Check the dishwasher" "MOM!" Eventually, they came up with a great plan and put a small tray inside the glass cabinet and made sure I knew that any glasses there, needed to stay put. Same with leftovers. I learned that late-night snacks were often the tail end of dinner crumbs.  This may seem silly to say, but I had accepted the habit I had acquired, with good reason initially, over time, despite the fact that it was not needed anymore. The thing was, my son had not grown up with someone who kept confiscating his food and drink, yet, he never got angry. Maybe he looked on it as a game, because sometimes, I would see him rushing for a cup before I could get it, or saying to me, "Please don't throw away this nugget." I love him more for that. 

So much to learn. How and who was I  now? Look out, because here come the trials and tribulations of aged learning, friends. 

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