Manna.... the rest of the story

If you have not already read the "manna" entry, you may want to do that before you tackle this one-

My boss had the honor of being asked to teach a workshop last weekend.
The job was supported by a grant that was very specific -as grants can be.

During the weeks prior to the workshop,as he was putting his teaching plan in action, he chose items from workchurch and his basement that he could use as props. He was very intentional in not purchasing materials unless he absolutely had to.

A couple of days before the workshop, he touched base with his contact person and discovered that part of the grant was designated for materials, a signifigant amount, and he HAD to spend it or else. This caused his rightbrainy-ness to go retro and start processing in reverse.
He was in a panic because now, he had a blank canvas to work from- and not much time to regroup and shop- yikes.

He asked me where he might find some props- unusual items like giant pots, old and worn authentic items... I suggested the store next to the restaurant at the Farmer's Market. I visit there on occasion to find things I like, then I look for them at yard sales and the flea market. He was desperate. He trusted my idea and took off in his batmobile.

The afternoon wore on. Winter was blowing bitter blasts and it was dreary to boot. I was getting ready to leave when he blew in with the wind.
" Come see what I found!!!" he bounced.
"Did you spend what you needed to?" I asked as I put my coat on.
"Yes, and I found things I never even would have considered. It was so much fun!!! Come see!! Come see!!!" I paused and breathed a sigh of envy for whoever babysat for him when he was 5 or 6 because surely it must have looked like this but even cuter.

We went out to the batmobile and opened one of the doors. That car was packed slam full. Like a magician reaching in his bag, he began pulling items out and telling me just how they would be used at the workshop and how we would later use them at work church.

"Look, a trough!!! a Realllll trough!! We can put manna in it, or turn it this way and we can put rolls in it or candles or prayers!! Can you believe it?"
"I'm trying, but it's pretty hard to believe, alright."

"And these wooden blah blahs... you can turn them over and they become blah blah blahs!!! This is soooo exciting!!!"

I watched him reach into his car and pull out his found treasures countless times. I soaked in his excitement and wondered if the participants would also be energized when they saw his presentation.

I couldn't imagine how he had been able to fit so many items in his car. Wow. Good minutes. Cold, good minutes.

"Yes! I love your finds!!! Wow! I'm so glad you found so many things so fast!!" I poked my head into the car and took a closer look. I saw round pieces of this and boxes with holes in them and then I saw something else.
I backed out and took a step away from the car. I wasn't cold anymore.
The winds stopped and whispered away. Everything got quiet. still.

"Crap! Are you kidding me? Seriously, are you kidding me? You were gone a couple of hours and you found this? "

Looking confused, he dipped into the car and then he reached for something and just stayed like that, his body half in and half out of the car.

I spoke to his coat."I like everything you got today except THAT."

He pulled himself out and faced me. He was holding a beautifully rustic, real,even Biblical THREE FOOT SPOON. I could tell just by looking at it that the aged utensil longed for manna.

"I'm just letting you know now, if that spoon comes within my reach, well, I can't guarantee what will become of it."
and I went back inside.

Accidentals, inc and acceptance

I've been talking to a trusted wise one for a long time weeding through my history and past, and now I am beginning to look at parts of my life in different ways, and through this weekly experience, I am rebuilding some of the foundations of who I am. The faulty building blocks are getting pried up and shaken off and re mortared. Sometimes i sit in quicksand, and sometimes i can stand on the firmer ground and just talk about things from a safe distance. It is hard work harder than looking in a mirror even and I am grateful for the safe haven and support that helps me continue. I could never do it alone. I wouldn't want anyone to have to. At any rate, I am beginning to learn that part of who I am is just plain messy.

For as long as I can remember, I have tried to do things just right. Just exactly right. Through the growing up years,I sharpened my observation skills so that I could better see exactly what was expected, I learned to listen intently for clues and I practiced practiced practiced.

Instead of becoming more of a perfectionistic thinker and doer, which i have come to realize is not in my genetic makeup, i began developing my own secret expectations of end products. I realized that it took a great deal of upstream energy to aim for 'right'. This skill, to this day still does not come easy for me.As a child, i began learning respite thinking. I began finding ways to do things that just came out however they came out- and being pleasantly surprised when the outcome was a good one. This 'messy' thinking is a part of who i am i guess ...

Messy Chef is a friendly name that is attached to my cooking skills. Not because I am a messy cook, but because the things I cook look messy. I am a clean -as -you -go -chef, but the dishes are not Monet by any stretch. When my girls were coming up, I baked their birthday cakes, of course. I see old pics now of those monstrosoties and cringe. ...except for the looks on the faces of the children. By the time my girls were old enough to care how things like that looked, they had grown accustomed to mom's messy blob birthday creations, because they tasted good. The first time i decided to try making an ice cream cake, I made a pound cake, sliced it in thirds, and layered ice cream and then put it in the freezer. uh. just a helpful hint: That's not how it's done. The ice cream melts before it can re freeze and you have pound cake mush.
Bake, cool, slice and freeze the cake FIRST. It works much better that way.On the other hand, let me just say you can NEVER have too much icing.....

I am not an exact or perfect anything. I cook and sew and do most things intuitively- that may be good and not so good depending on the issue or project. When cooking, I pour liquid into a bowl and count out loud "one third, one half, one cup". I palm the flour and salt and baking powder.
and i look and see how it feels before i continue.

I sew the same way. Love to sew. Failed Home Ec. Still love to sew. In the 8th grade, we were making durndle skirts and I decided to put 'invisible' pockets in mine, so i just cut two slits in the fabric and, well, let's just say it's a good thing I didn't need to pass home ec to move to the next grade.

I don't pin patterns to fabric. I use hairbrushes, pepper grinders, a shoe.. whatever is handy to hold the paper still while I cut. When the girls were younger I made many of their clothes and i cut out in bulk. I could knock out 4 or 6 pair of shorts or dresses in one go. I would cut out during one nap time, and sew during another. The clothes were comfortable, fabric they liked, and that's what counted.Well, for a while anyway.

Knitting and crocheting and felting works the same way. Yes, we all know that every one of my felting projects has a surprise ending. My friend, co-worker created a name for my company. She calls it Accidentals, inc. specializing in Melanizing.

When I knit socks, I knit one at a time and i do not make matching pairs. Socks are exact, and if one is going to get lost in the dryer, which everyone knows is the law of the dryerland, then I'll be darned if I want to waste a second sock that way, so I just make one like this and one like that and let it go. One day, I'll do two at a time, but right now, I'm happy with one at a go. Plus, it is fun to wear a different sock on different feet. A foot can have preferences, too. I just enjoy the activities and hope for the best. Sometimes things work out and sometimes not but this Christmas I had real good luck with a project.

I have a very special friend who has a very special dog. For some reason, this dog really likes me. I think we are connected on some level. I work in the garden at her house and visit with her but our time together is limited and yet, she still loves me. I decided to make her a sweater for Christmas. I had a pattern for a sweater for a schnauzer, and she is much much taller and longer than that, so I had to guess how big to make it. I sat down and closed my eyes. I imagined being at her house and petting her.I went through the motions of petting her and pretended she was right there with me. "Baci, hey Baci, sweet girl, hey there" and i petted and stroked her back. After going through this imaginary motion a few times, I was familiar with how long i patted her down her back, and i made the sweater that long.I was surprised to see how well it fit!!! Nice to have those good results. Truth be, forget the sweater, its all about the dog. full of life and happy acceptance. I could tell she knew I gave the project TLC. I think i like gardening so much because it isn't meant to be neat, and it feels alot like finding treasure when i plant seeds or bulbs or move plants from one yard to another, then see them bloom or grow. This reminds me of another story I must save for another day. Preschool planting.

For the years I have worked at work church, this messy thinking of mine has caused me great worry. I want to do things with ease and perfection. I want to get it right. I think I have realized that my margin of error has pretty much remained the same over these years. I send out about the same number of committee reminders and i send out about the same number of UN reminders. I enjoy learning new tasks, but unless i am doing that exact task every day, it's like learning all over again everytime I do it. Between computer and program upgrades and my age- ing brain, i run into that darn margin of error more than I would like. I think that is why i am surprised i am still called secretary. I love my job, largely because of the variety and because of the pretty incredible tolerance from staff of my messy ways. At any rate, when things turn out right, I'm the first to be excited. and when they don't, well, I'll try it again. The good thing about being a messy me is that there is always a surprise at the end. When it is good, it is very very good and when it is not, it is do-over.

I am in awe of people who have strengths in areas like knitting a sweater with both arms being the same length, or typing a letter that looks so neat it could be framed. I stand in wonder. I stand in my overalls, muddy shoes, but in wonder.

Manna

When Christmas comes, children are filled with anticipation. They are enthralled with the mystery of the season and the wonder of all that it brings. Christmas works the same way for me at work church. After being here 5 years, I have come to anticipate Easter and Christmas in ways you might not expect. My boss, creative genius flowing briskly through his veins, has a knack for last minute artistic revelations. I call it the “Hey, can you find me a picture of prayer that doesn’t have hands in it?” syndrome.
When the spell comes alive, his feet stay about ¾” off the ground and his sense of reality is replaced with lightbulb ideas.
I’m talking the kind of lightbulb that doesn’t break or flicker- Strong bulb ideas. He will speak in strange tongues, sling phrases and questions out as if I can understand him, which, usually, I can’t. The whole of it is fun to watch and be a part of. I find that I look forward to the idea -spring every spring and early winter. The energy around it is all good. All. Good.

I expected the spell to hit late on the afternoon of the 23rd, but this year it came on lightening fast on the 22nd. I first questioned whether this was, indeed the “Hey, can you find….” moment, but then decided it probably was and it probably came early so there could be a REALLY last last last minute change. I figured right.

So, on an unassuming Dec. 22, my boss casually walks into my office and then right out. He continued this in/outness for a few minutes. I was working away at the usual- baptisms, calendaring and trying to see how many people I could cram into his Bible study which is another story I hope I’ll write.

Finally, he stepped in and stayed. He stood in front of my desk in wait, wringing his hands. – This is a sure sign something is cooking, so I put the top back on my pen and gently set it down. I scootched back into my chair and looked up at him; I was at the ready.
“Do you have time…. Uh, No really, do you have time to ……?”
Without losing my gaze into his now glazed -over -with -artistic -imagery –energy- eyes, I pushed the papers I was working on off to the side.
“Spill it.”
“Well, Do you have a feed bag?”
My lips pressed themselves together in an effort to keep me from smiling.
“You mean a burlap bag that has feed in it like horses eat?”
He brightened at my understanding of his request.
“Yes!!”
Unable to keep my composure, I reached for a tissue and pretended to blow my nose. Inside, my thoughts were screaming-
“Why in the heck do you think that your secretary would have a 48” burlap feed bag at her fingertips? And Why do you ask that question as if you are asking me if I have a blue pen, or a paperclip?”

I tried to remain casual, but I could tell my composure was twisting about some. I feared my facial expressions would soon take over.
I pulled a note pad over to me and grabbed a pen. I started a list.
1. Feed bag

Holding that writing pose I looked up and said, “Okay. What’s next?”
He let his hands drop and stepped back through the doorway as if he was in a hurry to get back to his office for more ideas.
“Can you google manger?”
2.Manger
“Do you want me to find out what it is? Or what?” I tried not to sound facetious.

“No No, see what you can find out about its meaning. Liturgically.”
“Okay. Got it. Anything else?”
He headed across the hall to his “cave” then spun around on his heel and popped his head in.
“Can you pick up some Manna while you’re out? We only need a few pounds.”
3.Manna
“Manna? Okay, so if you give me the bible verse I’ll look it up . I didn’t know we really knew what it looked like. Maybe it’s on special at the Teeter. Or do you have a coupon?”
He smiled because he knew I would try very hard to do these things for him and because he knew that I trusted his ideas. “Something grainy that we can run our hands through.”
“Okay.” I scribbled down grainy manna on my list. I was relieved that he did not request spongy manna because I was pretty sure most of the stores had sold out of that type. Whew.
He stood in the doorway of my office and spoke low and fast. “There’s one more thing.”
I waited.
“We need a 3 foot spoon.”
4. Ginormous spoon

Then he left. I heard the bell on his door jingle when it closed.
I sighed, picked up my list and gave it a good look before letting it fall back onto the unassuming desktop.

I looked up. I looked under my desk. I stood up and looked out tothe alley.
No candid camera in site.

I googled for a while and finally came up with a couple of definitions and some liturgical jargon around “manger”. Slimpickins, but at least it was something.

I went downstairs and opened up the box of flower bulbs I had wintering over. The burlap bag that held the sleeping bulbs looked like it knew I was coming for it. In fact, now that I think about it, I believe the whole box had a slight glow about it. Not as bright as the North star, but still…

I had spent the last few months looking for a suitable storage bag for bulbs and a friend found this in the mountains and brought it back for us to house our bulbs on their off seasons. Wow, I thought it was serendipitous but maybe it was more….. hmmmm…….I headed upstairs.

So, I tiptoed into his office and said, “You know those days when you wonder why you hired me? I have those often enough. Well, THIS is WHY!” and I presented the bag and miniscule info on mangers to him. He looked relieved.

I hit the road and searched most of the morning for manna and giant spoons. Thrift shops, novelty stores, Tuesday Morning stores, Big Lots, Mexican restaurants, and finally, I just couldn’t do it anymore, so I took a break and went to the whole foods market and checked out the manna assortment. Finding a grain that seemed like it might enjoy being manna for a one night stand, I headed to the check out. When I passed the restaurant section I felt a chill. I asked one of the bakers if they sold soup and when he said yes, an idea tapped into my brain.

“So do you make it in big pots?”
“Yes ma’am.”
“and what do you stir it with?”
I could tell he thought he may be talking to an overzealous and organically grown veganatrian. Yes, veganatarian. That’s a vegetarian and a vegan and every other type of 'v' person rolled into one.

“We use a paddle. BUT it is made of all natural wood with no additives and most of our soup paddles have come from trees found in the hidden jungles of organic continents that have given their tree lives up- voluntarily- so that other baby trees and vegetation may thrive, thus helping end global warming.”

I tilted my head to the side and took a good long look at this young baking man. He was really trying hard. I decided if I had the power to, I would have patted him on the back and given him the day off and I also would have hit him with a $5 bill and told him to go get a Happy Meal at McDonalds so that he could have a reality check. I figured he’d been pesticide free wayyyyyy too long.
“Thanks, sir.”

I headed to the nearest restaurant equipment store and lo! Wooden paddles sat in wait. I bought one, took it back to work, stuck a sticky note on it that said, “I CAN be a spoon!” and waited for my out of body boss to return.

The manna passed snuf, but the spoon made it all worthwhile.He said, “It’s a paddle. No spoons?”

I said, “This spoon was forced into being a paddle. It wants to be a spoon and it can be if you’ll call Clay and ask him to perform a conversion on it.” Boss was excited. SOOOO excited. Made me feel really good inside to see him in his Christmas best.

So, my thinking that this “Hey” day came early for a reason was right.

The next day, he came in and said, “We’ve decided manna should be mashed potatoes.”
Of course you did. But let’s be truthful about this, boss. It wasn’t quite that human, was it? I bet sometime in the night, an angel came to you in your dreams and sang on high, “ Mashed potatoes” and you woke with that understanding.
At any rate, I hit up the Kroger and bought the last of their super sized manna mashed potato flakes. When I got back to work, I typed labels that said Manna and I stuck them all over the boxes.

When he returned, he grabbed the boxes, glanced at them and said on his way out, “ Oh good, they had some”
I called to him.
“Excuse me?!”
“Yes?”
“You know what this means, don’t you?”
“What?”
“It means that Kroger is old as dirt. Which is a little different than the history books say.”

He flashed me a smile and hit the sanctuary running.

Just as I locked up to go home, I heard his footsteps on the slate floor of the sanctuary. He was running and I flattened myself against the wall in preparation.

“The baby Jesus is too small!!!!” he cried. So, is this what the season has come to? The baby Jesus is too small? I made a few calls to families that I knew had children and then I shopped downstairs in the preschool area and came up with a bigger baby Jesus.

When I carried it into the sanctuary I stood in shock and wonder. I was quickly and delightfully reminded of my boss’s gifts and talents, his wisdom and spirit. The sanctuary held all of the elements I had purchased, but he had transformed the simple items into something Godly.
He carries a spirit inside him that is good and strong and fullof love and creativity. This church is so lucky to have him lead them.

Take a closer look at the picture and .....
Just remember: grain, mashed potatoes, plastic babydoll, wooden paddle and burlap.

Happy holidays

The President's address

Last night President Obama spoke to the nation from Westpoint. I enjoyed shifting channels to see how each network covered the event. The mainstream channels had the same head-on camera angle, but CNN kept sweeping over the audience of cadets. A few of these sweeps later, I found myself laughing out loud in my living room. The cats just stared at me, wondering what the joke was. In the span of 5 or 6 minutes, I counted 7 sleeping listeners.
One got jabbed by his neighbor, but the others were blissfully enjoying the opportunity to sit in peace, and only one nodded. Thank you, CNN for making an otherwise boring drone amusing!

Church lady chronicle guide to challenging assistance people

The question of this church chick day is, “How do you get someone who asks for assistance to leave when they are not being especially obnoxious but they are clearly settling in for a long winter's nap?”

Well, this is your guide to extended stay visitors.

When they come in and follow the front desk person as she walks to your office to tell you someone is here for assistance, don’t panic. Bolt right out of your chair and jump across your desk so that you are blocking the threshold of your office so they will not enter, which would mean trapping in your own office which is not a good thing.

When they stand belligerently in the hallway, demanding to see the Senior Pastor and you know that he is only an open- door office away, and you know that this person, regardless of how many ways he tries to say he needs spiritual assistance, is really here for some money- well you put your Protect the Pastor hat on and you say, “So, tell me what's going on?”

That might get you nuthin’ or it might get you the beginning of an hour long explanation that includes vital statements such as, “I’m not on crack or heroin, and I’m not a drug dealer, and I don't go downtown.Society is out to get people, just like Police.” These enthusiastically offered statements might suggest that ,perhaps, he is not being truthful but don’t stop listening because as he continues rambling, it will give you a chance to notice that his teeth are slowly being eaten away (a characteristic side effect of meth consumption) and you may notice a white powder stuck on his nostril and lips which may or may not be confectioner's sugar.

If you stand your ground and keep listening, you might hear about how comfortable some laundromats are for sleepovers and how the police are against us all and the Caucasian population is not family friendly.
Use this last statement as an opening to say, “Let’s sit down.” Then stretch out your arms in a welcoming fashion and side step down the hall as if to lead and point to a better conversation spot while all the while you are really blocking the open -door office where your boss is working hard with another staff member to prepare some important info for an upcoming meeting.

If you can successfully make it past the door, and around the corner you can land your visitor in the lobby where he will continue to talk about things such as his problem with anger management that he is going to get under control without anybody's damn help, and how his parents died and he didn’t get enough of the inheritance and he works in construction but not now but he might someday even though he hasn’t actually- he thought about it and he won’t pay his parking tickets in another state so he can’t have a driver’s license until then but who cares because he drives a bike that is an expensive one but you can’t tell because it looks cheap but it is a ruse so it won’t be stolen it is really a very important bike or will be when he gets a new tire on it and the gears fixed and no he didn’t even get hurt when he was hit from behind by a Caucasian driver in yet another state once and then you might get a really detailed description with words and body language about his being rocketed into space and how he tumbled and which foot hit the hood right not left or maybe it was left but it felt right and he can get a truck and get other people to drive it.

As you listen intently, be on the lookout for the visitor to take a breath. It may not happen often, but it is a vital opportunity for you to say, “What do you need from us today?” If you miss your first opp, be prepared to listen for another 15 minutes about Ann landers and maturity and she can help you manage yourself when you are mad which police and other people, especially people in soup kitchens can not.
When you get lucky enough to interject the question, be prepared to get a multiple choice answer.

Food, money, cash, not grocery cards because when you ride with food bags on your handlebars, the police drive by and say, “Let’s rouse him” so you have to get food that you can eat right then but Kroger is the best.
By this point, you may go ahead and release the hold on your number one rule which is “see and copy identification, picture ID in particular” and go to your number one substitute rule in case of emergency which is “Give them a giftcard and help them move on” and then the back up back up number one substitute rule, “Give them the contents of the gum bowl if you have to.”

Be prepared to accept without comment when they pull out a worn out document that may or may not contain a SS number with no name. Don’t comment on the arrest papers that the visitor may give you to use as identification, even though he just told you he’s never been arrested. Accept it and go is a wise management skill in those moments.

Expect to have to “sell” this gift card since it may not be Kroger or cash. Do not think that by accepting the offer of a card it means that your visitor is indeed ready to leave. When you go to your office to get the card, you may want to take the opportunity to down a handful of tums. They work pretty quickly. Do NOT, however be overzealous in this remedy for tummy nerves. A large handful can leave you with a tums powder mustache which may resemble the visitor’s crack shadow. Probably not a good idea to bond on that level.

When you bring out the card, you may find the visitor on the church phone. Feel free to inform him that the phone is for business calls only, and don’t fret over being calmly firm, because there is every chance the visitor will respond with “I had a cell phone but the minutes are all gone and if I had 10 dollars I could buy more minutes,” At which time his dead cell phone may very well ring right there on the spot.

If this occurs, take a step back and bite your tongue. When his minute-less conversation runs into several minutes, resist the urge to point out that what he is talking on is indeed a miracle as it is a dead phone arisen and with minutes to boot.
When he hangs up, give him the gift card and make it clear that is all you have to offer him, but don’t think he is finished with you yet because after all that conversation, he just might want to rest a while.

He might want to rest a while in the chair where he has been parked all this time because there is now a comfy pressed- in spot that fits his physique just so.
This might be a good time to affirm his statement that he is going to stay and add to that a drop of reality with , “ Sure. It’s fine for you to stay for a few minutes. There are benches outside that are also very comfortable and as a matter of fact, it is such a lovely day that you may enjoy the fresh air after a few minutes out there.”

Consider taking the time to return to your office for more tums at this time. It is possible that you may have noticed this individual stands out a bit from other visitors requesting assistance. You might even recall the soft and intelligent voice of the serial killer in The Silence of The Lambs, but don’t give in to this assumption wholeheartedly. Many people share similar language and intonation. On the other hand, you might want to cut back a bit from watching Criminal Minds and Law and Order for a while.

After a few moments, return to the visitor and when he is off the phone that has no minutes yet again, you can try letting him know that it is nearly time to close. Ignore the fact that you are standing in a church that never really closes. When he says, “Oh, yeah. What time is it anyway? 4:00?” you can safely look at your watch and say, “No it is 3:30, but we close at 4 today.”

Ignore the reaction of the front desk receptionist, and ignore her silent mouthing to you, “We close at 4 today? Really? I get off an hour early?” Just blink those words away.

When he says, “sooo I can sit here another half hour?”

You can respond with, “You can sit her for 10 minutes because we have to close up the front desk.” Discard the confusion of the receptionist as she looks around the front desk for things that need closing up.

Go to the phone and call the maintenance super and say to him on the phone, “Hey, it’s time to close up now, you can come on up and lock the doors.”
When he responds with, “Wut? Why are we locking the doors? You know where the key is, don’t you? Closing early? We’ve got Bible studies tonight.” Just repeat in a calm and steady voice, what you have just said and then add, “You can COME UP HERE right now and lock up” and if you hit just the right notes, he may sigh with irritation and say to his partner, “women” and then to you, “okay, we’re coming.”

This is probably when the visitor will discover he needs to use the restroom.

Fight the urge to direct him to the shrubs outside. After all, you are the gardener at church and the plants won’t appreciate that a bit. Acknowledge with active listening, much as you did with your own children perhaps, when they were younger, “You need to use the restroom.” Try to keep away from a tone of disbelief.
When he stands up and, with confidence, heads to the restroom, you might say to yourself, “Self, he knows where it is. He seems very comfortable here, yet you have no record of any prior visits, perhaps he’s been here when you were not.”

This is another good time to finish off the tums bottle. When he leaves the restroom, take note that he may not backtrack, but he may feel a sense of adventure and might decide to explore the other half of the building. If this happens, the maintenance men may be able to herd him toward the front door.

Offer to help him get his bike outside and alert him to the fact that the Thanksgiving food collection box is not for shopping, and didn’t he say something about bags of food on the handlebars were a red flag for police to rouse him? Then, sidestep quickly so as not to be hit with his quiet rage.

When he has actually exited the building, you might discover that your intuition about this visitor was on target. You might discover he has been to the church on other occasions, and you might also discover that contrary to his strong insistence that he has not ever been arrested, he has a record for violent crimes in another state. Multiple arrests. This information can help you to trust your gut next time and not feel guilty about judging his needs.

Remind yourself that you try very hard to help people who come into the church and that the world is full of people who need food help and people who just need help leaving the premises.