Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Medical Closet

We have a medical closet that Alfred Hitchcock created before he died.
It is located in the basement of the church. Everyone knows what lurks in the basement of any self-respecting church.

Doom and Evil, that's what. Cold, damp breaths from hell seep up through the cracks in the cement, that's what, too. Half-dead spirits that are still floating on the fence that separates salvation from nefarious living death. They moan and rock, crying out their indecisevness .

These creatures take the form of aluminum walkers, they disguise themselves as bedside potty chairs and canes. Squeaky wheeled wheelchairs are the sneakiest. They stay folded up when under watchful eyes, and then they self-open and roll when the lights are off. I know this to be true. I managed the medical closet for the first year of this job. Thinking it a huge honor, I boasted to passers-by- "Hey! I'm in CHARGE of the Medical Closet!!" "How about that!!" I never wondered why the staff tended to hang their heads and skulk away during those moments. I assumed they were envious that I was given such a big responsibility as Medical Closet Minder when I had just started the job. Silly me. Silly, silly, me.

I took inventory my first visit to the dungeon and neatened the arrangement. A few days later, I checked on our equipment and was taken aback. Where two potty chairs had parked there now stood 5! and we had a wheelchair missing. The canes had hooked up, too. The shower stool laid on its back with all four legs reaching for Jesus. It was a mess. I searched the building and finally found the wheelchair. It sat neatly folded and well hidden behind a palm tree that sits next to a window that overlooks my office alley. The brake had jammed itself into the carpet. Was it watching me? Was it keeping an eye out in an effort to help the others escape?

I can't say. But I can say this- If these seemingly benign items wreak this kind of havoc in our welcoming church environment, what must they be capable of in full fledged hospitals and nursing homes? We give out warning cards when people check out the items from our medical closet now. Who knows what evil lies in the rubber stoppers of walkers on the loose?


Cordelia's Mother said...

Heeheehee! I used to be a church secretary for 2 churches, and in one, my office was in the basement! We didn't have a medical closet, though. The church I now attend doesn't have a basement (shouldn't that be illegal?)

Leslee said...

Hmm... I think I would jump out the window and run to the Baptist church down the street... hee hee hee!!

Loonygin said...

Hope I don't need to borrow any of that stuff!! Keep it under control while I am away!