Thursday, August 25, 2005

Zip code Restriction Day

Oh, my Lord. I just have been having such adventures at the Post Office. Frank "trayed" me last week and when I took the slip to the counter he grimaced and said if he did a survey and surveyed me, I”d be fined $800 for having my box overstuffed so often. I backed away slowly and apologized profusely all the way to the car.

Today I dragged myself to the prisonPO, and noticed the scary cardboard cut out (Ms. Battle), has been abducted. She is nowhere to be found.
Some terrorized customer must have had her “taken out” in the dead of night,or perhaps she's been “recycled”, “reassigned”.. hmmm.
So today I had a package to go to Afganistan. Frank, my nemesis Postal desk clerk was on duty. He never looked me in the eye, but said to the computer screen, “ Are you aware of the restrictions to this zip code?” I looked at the shoebox sized package, weighing maybe half a pound and said, “uh, no.”
“ There can’t be any firearms, securities or currency or precious gems in their natural state.” I thought about the contents of the package being a deck of UNO cards and a jar of Newman's own popcorn. I wondered if the kernals might be hiding some emeralds or maybe even the Hope Diamond.
“ Like diamonds?” He shook his head but kept looking at the screen.
“ You can’t be sending diamonds or rubies, young lady. ...Unless they are in a ring. Or a necklace.” He picked up the package and put it back down. Then cleared his throat.
“ Any pork in there? You can’t send Pork to this zip code. Or any raw metals in their unmanufactured condition.”
I looked at the packing slip. “ popcorn, cards, and books. I don’t think there’s any risk of restricted item stowaways, but I'll admit that I don't know the title of the book, sir.”
Frank was absent of the humor gene, I had decided long ago. That thought rang true again at this moment. How sad for him. He took my money and I left. Then I started thinking. What if the book is diamond studded?? What if the popcorn is popped with the top off the pot? It could be considered a fire arm…or if the cards were sharp corners and not rounded. oh. Great. and what Was the book title? Charlotte's Web would never do- oh, good grief.

Church Chick

Thursday, August 18, 2005

worthy secretaries

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."The cannibals promised they would not.Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"The cannibals all shook their heads no.After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but nooooo!, you had to go and eat someone they would really miss!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005


There is lingo that accompanies every profession. I’ve been collecting words that “speak” to me since I’ve been here.
Sachristy- sounds like an insult, or a place where a murder victim would be found- nothing like a flower spot that it is.
Nave- a pirate word, I don’t see how this fits into a sanctuary without a ship to go along with it.
Narthex- a new allergy medicine to some, others find this space in the preface of the church sanctuary
Christocentric- this does NOT describe someone who is obsessive about Christ, but I’m not sure what it does say
Transcept- part of the spaceship Enterprise, this, in reality this can be found in an aerial view of the church as the main aisle and the front aisle that form a T in a cruciform church.
Cruciform church is not related to cauliflower or broccoli
Palm Frawns are not crawfish
Provinient is a word that makes me think of Pilgrims, but I am not sure what it means today
Confirmands are not irrational teenagers who are demanding. They are people who want to be confirmed
Sincture is not a description of a delicious,juicy food. It is also not a wound in need of stitches of liquid skin.
Sincture is, in fact, I don’t know.
Cya is not related to a unicorn. It is a short way of saying, cover your ass.
Paschal Calendars sound like soft renditions of the year at a glance. Soothing reminders of day to day living.
Sacramental Corporate Worship is a political tasting description of a way of worship.
Tintinabulator is not anything you would find in Dr. Frankenstein’s lab. It is a row of bells that catch people’s attention when you want them to take notice.
Transboundary pollution is when you don’t stay in your own back yard.
Tryptic- three times cryptic, or when you are unable to walk down the center aisle of the church without tripping on a regular basis.
Implied pluralism- sounds sinister
Hello breaks- opportunities to get away from the topic at hand and speak to those around you or take a bathroom break.
Eschatology- go figure.
He’s looking for me syndrome- We’ve all seen that before.

church lady office hats

It’s not only the church lady job that wears many hats, friends. The church chick’s office also serves many purposes.

Sometimes, as general conversation is birthed in the hallway, more concentrated issues arise from that and in those instances, the church chick’s nest acts as a funnel for those deeper continuations of hallway discussions.

There is something about crossing the threshold into my office that effects voice volume, I’ve noticed. The walls in my office must subliminally attract lower tones. Really important chats demand whispers. Funny thing about whispers. They stick. Many times, I’ve noticed my own pastor’s voice remaining hushed throughout the day after he’s been in my office whisper/discussing some important something. It makes for quiet hallways, but still, it feels a little ghostly.

Another hat that the church office wears is that of EMS, or ER Emergency Room. I keep band aids handy, and as previously mentioned, there is a hard and fast rule regarding the use of those. No blood –no band aid rules. On the occasion that band aids are in order, it is vital for the church chick to maintain her composure, to switch into mom mode. This happened recently when a visitor mis-stepped from her car and missed the curb. The sidewalk, insulted fom going unnoticed by the human- proceeded to snack on the visitor’s elbows and face. She was rattled, scraped and scrunched. We helped her into the cozy chair in my office and sponged her off, bandaided her up. I tracked down the Pastor who was slammed that day with counseling sessions back to back. He graciously came in my office to be sure she was okay. He is just that kind of caring soul. My biggest concern was the fact that we were all wearing a little bit of her blood, and his starched white shirt looked as if it wanted to get in on that , too. Somehow , we managed to keep his shirt away from her scrapes, and after speaking a few calming words to her, I sent him back into his next session- a couple anxious to wed. I just think the sight of a crisp white Pastor is so much more comforting than a blood spattered version. There’s plenty of time to talk about crucifixion later, right?

Sometimes people come in just because they can. I like those times the best.

There are other times when the sole purpose of my space is to provide HCVs- High Caloric Value foods. That’s okay, too.

Venting works well, if you crack your window to allow said vents to exit the building without confronting any solid surfaces.

Once, even, my office doubled as a Motel 6. I’m out of that business now, though. No more sleepovers for wayward wanderers.

Of course, we’ve housed church mice, and birds- so I guess that qualifies my office as zoo potential

Visitors sit in my comfy round chair while they wait to see the Pastor. The chair has been around longer than I have, and it is deep and round and feels like a hug when you sit in it.

Lost and Found
I have a spot called Melanie’s pick up/drop off spot, and this is the central location that I put all misplaced items. One member wears a hat, he comes in with it, and invariably leaves it in random places around the church. I like to track it down and put it in my pick up drop off spot and see how long it takes him to find it. It’s become a game. Oh, the distractions we seek out in the course of a day, eh?